in which i simplify

Maybe it's the springtime, but I've been feeling some serious waves of change wash over me lately.  I suddenly feel like I'm ready to grow up.  I've been feeling it for a while, really, chasing me down, but now the need is nipping at my heels.  I mentioned last week that I'm in a bit of a blogging rut, and that I think my blog might need to evolve in some way, so I've been puzzling that out.  There may be some changes around these parts in the coming months.

(dress: tjmaxx; trench: h&m; vest: plato's closet; shoes: seychelles; glasses: c/o glassesusa.com; necklace: uo)

Suddenly, almost overnight, I feel like my closet represents who I've been, not who I am.  I might be ready to move beyond babydoll dresses and peter pan collars, toward more classic cuts and prints.  I don't want people to mistake me for fifteen anymore.  I'm just trying to figure out what that might mean.

Maybe it's because I finished my novel, and now I feel like I can move into the next stage of my life.  While the book is most definitely fiction, there is an angst about it that characterizes the past few years of my life--sort of a metaphor for my not knowing what to do with myself, or where my true passions lie.  Maybe it's because I've been making a conscious effort to be more creative on a daily basis.  Maybe it's because I'm learning to accept and understand modern technology (I blame Instagram for making me want an iPhone).  I think I'm slowly starting to see the light, but I'm still struggling to find the motivation I need to make things happen when I have no idea even where to begin.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I didn't realize until I was editing these pictures that it sort of looks like I am wearing a parachute.  How apt.  Here we go!

It's blizzarding outside and I overslept, so I thought today might be a good day to tackle the 11 questions circulating through the blogosphere of late. I always love reading these, because I'm incredibly nosy. So here goes.

11 fun(?) facts about me:

1. I am deathly afraid of pigeons. They're always swooping around so stupidly, I feel like it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for them to swoop their beaks stupidly right into my eye. I have been known to duck dramatically while walking down a city street, out of sheer terror.

2. I love to dance. It might be my favorite thing. I'm always the one rallying my friends to the floor whenever there is music playing--though nobody gets up faster than my mom!

3. My friends from childhood and I call ourselves "The Bobs." I'm not really sure how it started, but whenever we refer to the group as a whole, that is the name we use (we're still all as close as sisters!).

4. I use an excessive number of dashes in my writing--and an equally excessive number of exclamation points in casual correspondence! ;)

5. My dad used to direct my brothers and I in elaborate Christmas movies every year, and because we weren't really allowed to watch TV and only had a word processor for a computer--this was the 'nineties, people--I spent most of my youth writing screenplays and directing the neighborhood kids in movies or plays of my own imagining. I guess that is probably why I went on to study film at Boston U.

6. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was a junior in college.

7. I have been a vegetarian since before I can remember (I couldn't have been older than five when I decided). I thought our pig, Hammy, was a pet. Then one day he was breakfast. When my parents explained what had become of him, I said "I'm not eating this," and I never ate meat again (with the exception of hot dogs--I did eat those for several more years before realizing that they were also meat--and I still crave them sometimes).

8. I love bread. I could literally eat an entire loaf in one sitting if garlic and olive oil were involved (and probably have). I also have an insatiable sweet tooth--chocolate, sour patch kids, cheesecake, you name it, I love it.

9. I chipped my bottom two front teeth on the back of my friend's head while sledding down the hill at school when I was in the third grade. They were filled in, but if you look closely you can see where they broke.

10. There were 48 kids in my high school graduating class--and that's from three towns!

11. I am super competitive, especially when it comes to sports and games, even when I'm not very good at them! I talk a lot of smack to wear the enemy down...

And the 11 questions:

1. If money, schooling or time was no obstacle, what career would you choose?

Lately I've been incredibly inspired, and I've decided that there are two things I would love to do with my life (I do not think they are mutually exclusive!). 1) I would love, love, love to design dresses and sell them. And 2) I want to be a published novelist. I've gone back and forth so many times, thinking maybe I should go back to school and become an anthropologist, or a psychologist, or something with a -gist on the end, but I always come back to dress design and writing. Now I just need to figure out a way to make it happen!

2. What’s the one thing you look forward to every day?

I really look forward to those after-work hours, when I can go home to my handsome man, eat a big dinner, and decompress, or write, or work on a project. I look forward to FREEDOM!

3. What is your number one, all-time, favorite blog?

I definitely don't have a single favorite--I love so many for so many reasons (that's what everyone says, but it's true!), and some days I like one more than another depending on my mood. But lately I've been really inspired by Elsie and A Beautiful Mess. I just love that she's so passionately pursuing her dream, and making it a reality. I think that she is such an inspiration (and I basically want to steal her life)!

4. Biggest online pet peeve?

Most people are saying negativity, but to be honest I haven't encountered much of that in my personal blogging experience (luckily!), so I can't really call it a pet peeve. I definitely agree that fostering a positive environment is paramount, and I never understand why people feel the need to act hatefully toward successful bloggers. Weird behavior, but they're probably the same way in their real lives too... some people are just jerks. Anyway, my biggest online pet peeve is Facebook! Haha! I'm such a ranter on this subject, but basically I think Facebook is destroying the world. And I'll stop there.

5. What is your all-time favorite book?

I think maybe 'Mating,' by Norman Rush. I don't know why, but I really loved it when I read it and I always push it on my friends, so that's probably an indication. Other than that I can't really say--just like blogs, there are some books that have touched me immeasurably at different times in my life, and there are authors that I read religiously and love unconditionally, but they're not always my favorite books. A book becomes a new favorite when it aligns just right with my life at the time. Maybe I should say my all-time favorite book is the novel I just finished writing...

6. What would your “last meal” be?

Indian food, hands down. Spicy curry with rice and cheese naan. And samosas. And then I'd probably have something insanely decadent, like chocolate ganache, for dessert.

7. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No. Does anybody? I guess I assume that sometimes it can feel like love at first sight, if the attraction is immediate and progresses easily into love without too much trouble. But no, I don't believe in it.

8. What would your ideal Sunday morning consist of?

I would get up early and naturally, have an hour or so to myself to drink coffee and do a crossword or read a book, and then K would get up (he's not an early riser--making him get up early would not = a happy Sunday ;) and we would walk down the street to have brunch al fresco on a sunny patio, with mimosas! And then we would stroll around and he would buy me a bunch of clothes. Ha! (It's a fantasy, right?!)

9. Why do you blog?

Honestly I do it to keep myself creatively motivated. I really enjoy putting outfits together and nobody appreciates them around here :) I love having a little goal for every day--something fun to look forward to. And I love the community. Disappearing into my favorite blogs is like a little vacation over my morning coffee :)

10. If you had to choose one color to wear forever, what would you pick?

Probably red. I once did a color test in an old dEliA*s catalog (yes, that's the 'nineties, again) that said red was the best color for blue-eyed brunettes with fair skin to wear (that's me!), and I think it spoke the truth.

11. What is your all-time favorite band?

Ummmmmmm I'm so bad with music. I can honestly say I don't think I have one.

And 11 questions for you:

1. If you could magically play a musical instrument--but only one--which would it be?

2. If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on?

3. What is one thing you love about yourself?

4. What would your ideal Sunday morning consist of? (I liked this one)

5. If you could live somewhere else for one year, and money were no object, where would you choose?

6. Who is your all-time favorite author?

7. What trend are you most excited about for spring?

8. What is your favorite word?

9. What is your most necessary accessory?

10. What is the most thoughtful gift you have ever received?

11. What is your favorite snack?

Here are the (official) rules:

1. Post these rules.2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them you’ve tagged them.

But I'm going to be a bum and just tell all of you to do it and to send me a link so I can read your answers!

Ready, set, go!

in which to be is to grow

Do you know, in Sanskrit the root of the verb "to be" is the same as "to grow" or "to make grow".

(My Dinner With Andre)

(dress: modcloth; hat: mad bomber; blouse: thrifted; shoes: seychelles)

Last night I watched "My Dinner with Andre" for the first time in my life, which is only embarrassing to admit because I was a film major and I'm supposed to be all over those cult classics. I was expecting some revelatory ideas, but to be honest it fell kind of flat in my estimation. Maybe five years ago I might have been affected or changed by it. I'm finding that a lot lately--so many things just seem so "been there, done that." Maybe it all just depends on the frame of mind I'm in at any given time. "The Artist's Way" was the first book in a long time (I think since I finally read "Walden" last winter) that really felt life-changing, and that was mostly just because it forced me to actively admit what I already subconsciously knew (that maybe art isn't all about passion and pain and madness).

Anyway, I just think it's interesting how quickly our minds can advance, if we encourage them to do so. I was thinking recently about my high school and early college years and how incredibly ignorant I was back then, and how exponential my spiritual and intellectual growth was in those last years of college and beyond. I made a mess of mistakes and felt at the time like I was simultaneously grabbing my destiny by the balls and flailing frantically about, but the fact remains that I learned so much about myself and my world during that time, and I laid a solid foundation for my mind to leap from. I just hope that I can continue to learn and grow and advance and be inspired for the rest of my life. (I'm definitely still way too ignorant about too many things, so I should probably just shift my focus from those things I think I've already "figured out"--retracing my steps might act as reinforcement but after a while it just gets repetitive.)

in which i am an old lady who lives in (these) shoes

Ahh, back in my happy place. This outfit is far more "me" than anything I've come up with lately. What can I say? I was born in October--I am meant to dress for autumn. This may or may not be something that an elderly woman would wear. I am okay with that (because, after all, I am no spring chicken).

(hat/blouse: vintage, gifts; skirt/belt/scarf: thrifted; shoes: seychelles)

I was thinking about back-to-school the other day (aren't we all, at this time of year?), and how the whole thing was always so exciting. In elementary school there were new outfits and lunchboxes and that grown-up feeling of passing through each grade; in high school there were new outfits and fat textbooks and the thrill of locating a new locker and the prospect of eight hours each day spent giggling and passing notes with friends; in college there were more new outfits and fatter (more expensive) textbooks and a whole new world full of strangers that would eventually become some of the closest friends I would ever know. And now? The seasons blend from one to the next but the days don't change.

Ever since I graduated (in 2007-yikes!) I constantly consider going back to school for something, whether it be fashion design or creative writing or cultural anthropology. And then I take a step back and remind myself that there were very few classes in college that I really, truly enjoyed. There was my Philosophy of the Individual writing seminar freshman year, in which I did not speak a word but would leave bursting with excitement and immediately call someone to discuss. There was my Intro to Ethics lecture with a visiting professor from Stanford, which everyone seemed to hate but I actually found fascinating (when I wasn't doing the DFP crossword). There was my Post-Modern Literature course with a wacky ladyprofessor who just rambled on and told stories for an hour and then told us we would no longer be having class because she wasn't getting paid enough (but boy, was she a character!), and my Chinese culture class that surprised me by being quite a treat, since I had never had much interest in Asian studies or history before. There was my Film Theory class, in which only the graduate students ever engaged in discussion but the professor was really amazing. And then there were a slew of really awful classes that I suffered through day in and day out for four years of my life. And I realized that I don't actually much like to be educated. I love to learn, I adore reading, I think that I have a broad scope of skills and interests, but I do not like being forced to fit my train of thought into whatever current a course corrals it into. I either want to learn something or I don't--and if I don't, why waste my time?

I'm still figuring out what my next steps in life will be. Maybe I will end up going to graduate school (theoretically, I would only be taking classes that were directly related to my area of interest). Maybe I will start my own little business. Maybe I really will become a brilliant filmmaker after all this time. Who knows. But these are the feelings that always surface in September, year in and year out. This is the season for reinvention.

And if I don't get to it soon enough, there is always Spring ;)

i'm(/ve been) baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I have been a very bad blogger, and I have no real excuse, except that I was here:

And then I was here:

And then I had a really rough time transitioning back into the humdrum doldroms of the work week and these whirlwind weekends I've been having. My head just doesn't feel like it's screwed on quite right.

I had an amazing time out west and never wanted to come home. All that time in the desert really made me reevaluate everything I've been doing with my life, and I'm already dreaming and scheming of my next big adventure. Utah, you were beautiful. Las Vegas, you were fun. Hopefully I'll get some pictures soon from my partner in crime (who is still on the road--lucky!!) and I'll be able to do a more comprehensive post about my travels (wanderlust wednesday can return at last)! In the meantime, I've been playing music, swimming in rivers, driving through the countryside, eating lots and lots, and just generally trying to get back to that place where I was living every day as full to the brim as I possibly could. Because that's the only way.

in which i search my soul, jung-style

So much for not wearing my mustard cardigan! It's funny because even when cardigans were everybody's go-to in the blogosphere I rarely reached for one to finish off an outfit. But I was a bit rushed this morning and needed a quick burst of color, so voila! Something about this blouse always reminds me of the circus and I have no idea why. Speaking of the circus, has anyone seen Water for Elephants yet? It got pretty poor reviews but I still kind of want to see it... ? At the same time I feel like a movie this epic can't be less than awesome or it's not worth watching. Bad chick flicks, yes, okay.

(cardigan: h&m; blouse/skirt/belt: thrifted; shoes: seychelles)

It's pretty amazing how incredibly lush our landscape has gotten because of all this rain. The thick fog and thicker greenery in the mountains makes me feel like I'm living in a rainforest. I'm not feeling very chatty today, and hardly introspective, despite the fact that I sat through a four-hour leadership training course today and discovered that I have an INFP personality type.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

Amen. This description of me is almost as spot-on as my Scorpio sun sign. Also:

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.

TMI about me for a Tuesday afternoon? I just find all forms of psychological stereotyping endlessly fascinating, probably because they always seem to validate all of my eccentricities. What about you? Do you think that your zodiac sign is a good match? Do you know what your Briggs-Myers personality type is (check it out here if you want to know)? Or are you not that inward-reaching?

Embarrassing moment of the morning: Checking a close-up of my mug on my camera and seeing a car's headlights waiting patiently within the frame.

what to watch: TiMER (+ three questions)

Now that K spends a lot of his evenings studying, I get to watch a lot more of the quirky indie romantic comedies that generally induce eye-rolling on his part. Last night I watched TiMER, a near-future sci-fi flick that is more When Harry Met Sally than Alien vs. Predator. The premise? A tech company has developed a device that, upon implantation, begins to count down to the moment you will meet your soulmate. The catch is, both partners in this perfect pairing must have the implantation--and Oona O'Leary's TiMER will remain blank until her soulmate decides to take the plunge. In these postmodern times, a TiMER is like a cell phone, or an iPod, or an internet connection--except for a few non-conformist musicians (who do invest in fake timers, like fake wedding rings, to justify any promiscuous shenanigans as a sort of last-hurrah before they "zero out"), rednecks from the boonies, or those who want a little bit of mystery and excitement left in the soulmate search (no guarantees), everybody seems to have one. And Oona is not-so-patiently waiting for her prince to get pierced, all the while wondering what kind of a man would remain TiMER-less when she is out there, wanting.

I thought the movie was charming and original, and I love those semi-sci-fi movies (like Cold Souls or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) that add only one small element of new-age hubbub to an otherwise ordinary story in order to further explore questions of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness in new and exciting ways. This movie was interesting because it asks the question: if you could know the exact person you were meant to be with and when you would meet them, how would that change the way you lived your life? Would you be more content to focus on your career or other personal development because you weren't spending all of your time searching for that special someone? Or would you be lolled into a state of complete apathy, knowing that you were destined to meet someone eventually no matter what you did (like Oona's unfortunate step-sister, whose TiMER is counting down to her 43rd year)? Would a TiMER remove all of the mystery and excitement from life? Would you be able to love someone in the new world without a guarantee, or would you always wonder? The TiMER doesn't seem to make courtship or connection any less complicated--in fact, you may be stuck with a soulmate you don't even like! I thought this was a clever little film and it was really refreshing to watch something with an original element in the otherwise stale rom-com set.

On a quasi-related note, when my friend C and I were gchatting the other day she told me that a friend of hers was seriously considering online dating and had read an interesting article on the subject. Apparentely there are only three questions you need to ask a potential partner to determine compatibility:

1) Do you like horror movies?

2) Have you ever traveled alone?
3) Wouldn't it be so cool to live on a sailboat for a year?

I thought this was interesting, because I could absolutely see the answers to these questions providing insight into a person's true nature. Just for fun, I thought I would answer these questions so you guys can get to know the "real me." :)

1) I do like horror movies. Sometimes. I am very particular about the kind of horror movies I watch and the kinds of people I will watch them with. First of all, I do not like blood-and-guts-and-gore movies like Chainsaw Massacre (which I haven't even seen). I prefer psycho-mind-warp movies like What Lies Beneath, The Ring, etc. (I'm totally dating myself here, but those are the movies I watched in High School). Secondly, I am a major screamer. I cannot control myself and it doesn't matter where I am--I have been known to let out a shriek or two in the movie theater. I need to watch movies with people who are equally excitable but have a simultaneously comforting presence. Close friends, K... annnnd nobody else.

2) I have never traveled alone, but I would love to! Scratch that: I think that I am the sort of person who wants to be the sort of person who travels alone, but I'm not sure it's for me. I prefer solitude while en route to a destination--I like to read or journal or stare out the windows of moving planes, trains and automobiles, and I don't like to chitchat while in transit. That said, once I arrive at my intended destination, I can't imagine myself enjoying it alone. I don't like to explore by myself, because I like to share my experiences with others. I don't strike up conversations with strangers, so those can't realistically be "others" for me. Ideally, I would travel alone to a destination where I would meet up with a group of friends and spend a few days (or months, or years) exploring the new place together.

3) Yes. Yes, yes, yes!! I have become increasingly uncomfortable with and bogged down by my recent accumulation of possessions, and would love to just say hell with it all and take off onto the open ocean in a sailboat. I loved Robert Pirsig's follow-up to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Lila. I would love to just throw it all to the wind and live a simple life, free to move about the globe as I desired and at the mercy of the elements. And I can honestly say I don't think I'm just wishing I were the sort of person who wanted to do this--I really do!

What about you? Do you like horror movies? Do you travel alone? How cool would it be to live on a sailboat?

playing peter pan

This is my bowling outfit. K and I are heading over to the alley this evening to bowl 'til we drop (and hopefully some pins do...), eat pizza, and be awesome. I'm really not very good at bowling (and K is a champ, since he has bowled twice a week at work for the past two years...), but I really enjoy it anyway. I've always had a seriously competitive spirit (it's in my genes), and I love love love organized games of all kinds--from bowling to bananagrams and back again. I thought I would embrace the spirit of youth and fun with this little babydoll dress.

(dress: f21; tights: goodwill; socks: kohl's; shoes: payless)

That said, two things:

1. I feel as if this dress really isn't very flattering, and probably wouldn't be terribly flattering on anyone over the age of fifteen unless she had a baby figure. I am not an anatomically incorrect baby doll, so there you go (ps did anyone hear that segment on NPR last night re: the use of real orphan babies for "practice" in women's college programs during the fifties?). Anyway, I have been dying to find a dress with a peter pan collar and when I saw this on the racks at Forever 21 I knew it just had to be mine... regardless of the fit. And I love it anyway. Call it a Practice Baby(-doll dress).

2. I decided yesterday that I am not a playful person. This is something that I have been trying to come to terms with for a while now, and I finally decided--I just don't like to "play." This is one of those creeping self-doubts that has surfaced because of the internet. Many bloggers seem so full of whimsy, so full of childlike spirit--and I'm really not. When I go to the beach, I don't want to splash in the waves or build sandcastles or hermit crab hotels (like I did as a child)--I would rather bask in the sun with a trashy novel or the latest Vogue and dive in the water only to cool off and float around. When it snows, I don't particularly want to have snowball fights or build snowmen or make forts--I would rather go ice skating or cross country skiing or sledding. Even when I was a kid, I spent hours upon hours directing elaborate plays, and I always enjoyed the setup more than the execution. I don't, however, think this makes me any less interesting or imaginative. I like to be tormented or elated by prose, to be inspired by obscure films, to have late-night philosophical conversations over a bottle of wine, to dance all night to great music, to explore new places and try new foods--I want to live explosively, but I don't necessarily want to play.

What type are you? Do you prefer organized games to make-believe? Or do you, like Peter Pan, never want to grow up?