1) Bring a banjo when you hitchhike. Nobody will find you threatening if you're carrying a banjo, and people will pick you up, even if you otherwise look pretty sketchy. (My dad spent many years traveling around the country before [and after] he met my mother--on his motorcycle, on greyhound busses, and on the wag of his thumb. This is probably where I got the vagabond gene.)
2) While traveling on said greyhound busses, do not take over the wheel when the bus driver wants to sleep, especially in a snowstorm. You will crash the bus. (True Story.)
3) A Harvard alum, my father is one of the smartest people I will ever have the chance to know. That said, not all Harvard grads are terribly intelligent. (His long-lost best friend, best man, and fellow Harvard Crimson, recently revealed his questionable whereabouts by attempting to rob a bank. My father says, at least now he'll know where to find him [in jail].)
4) Wearing short-shorts makes your legs look longer. HA! Just kidding. But that is the truth. The real lesson: Always carry a chainsaw in your car, even if you work in "the big city." You will have many opportunities to awe and impress your less-prepared neighbors when their commute to work is disrupted by a large felled tree. Or, if you're my Herculean father, you could also just grab the tree and drag it out of the way with your bare hands. That works, too.
5) If you try to convince all of your children that working as a nurse is a very rewarding experience, one of them might actually get a certification. Then again, he might get the certification and then go sit in a tree in West Virginia.
6) If your wife asks you to vacuum the house or mow the lawn and you happen to have three children, all you have to consider is how much watching the football game is worth to you. Ten dollars will usually do the trick.
Dad, you're awesome & you know it (no matter what your sons say). Happy Father's Day (yesterday)!